Just Joy

It was starting to wear me down. School that is and time and people. At first, moving away from home, starting college, meeting new people and learning brand new stuff about photography was all a pretty big adventure. But I'm just in the second half of this first semester and have already felt the steadily growing weight resting on my shoulders. It has been a struggle dealing with people who are completely different from me, to keep being who God has made me to be. I never knew the temptation of gossip so strong before, the desire to dress to please others, the unhealthy language and conversation so consistently humming in my ears. I have just passed two years of knowing Christ as my personal savior. Through those two years I grew so close to Him. I was surrounded by loving friends and family who also loved God. I was ready to either get married or take on the calling God gave me to the mission field. Or so I thought...my parents and I prayed about my future. It was their wish I go to college first. I took their advice. I prayed so hard about it. I looked for every out possible but God always seemed to bring me back to it. So, I decided to go. And then suddenly it was like I was plunged into a major battle over my heart and my mind. I have woken up crying most days. Yeah, I admit to how weak that is of me. It's not been an easy year. A death in the family of a very, very close loved one, a decision of my future I wasn't comfortable with, the boy I hope to marry someday leaving with the army and being gone almost a year, my best friend running away to her abusive boyfriend, nineteen credit hours, work, being a mentor to middle schoolers once a week, feeling so utterly alone everyday, surrounded by people who mock the One I love and desire most in life, quitting a worship band I loved being apart of, quitting a half marathon I've been looking forward to all year because school is just too busy...these little things, these big things, they got inside me and brewed in my mind all year. How I just buried them away to deal with later, I don't know how but recently they've overflowed and spilled out of me. This past weekend, my parents asked me why I have been so depressed. I told them I missed Gabe, I told them how I have never faced sin like I have until now and how I feel like I'm failing every day. I told them of my loneliness. But I told them that most of all I wanted my joy back. The joy I once had in Jesus. How that now I never felt so far from him. I had begun to ask God if he was really there. Why would this be his will for me? Every dream I had for my future seemed impossible, I really couldn't see the point of my going to school for photography. It had little to do with what I was really passionate about. Helping people who nobody else will help. Yet, my dad told me that he too has been struggling with depression, with lack of joy. And he explained how much we have to rejoice in. Namely, our salvation. How Jesus told the disciples who were rejoicing over healings and teachings that they should rather rejoice over their names being written in the book of life. That alone, is our reason for joy. Also, how there are always others who have more burdens than we do and that we should be thankful for what we do have. And my mom summed up all he said by saying that in truth, joy comes from being thankful. And I knew she was right. I could recall how wonderful the world seemed when one looked for every good thing in it. So, I began thanking God for every blessing, for every hardship, for every circumstance for every beautiful fall tree, or colorful sunset, or small child. I have a little book now I carry with me and write down these things. I plan to go past 1,000 gifts I plan to never stop counting the gifts God has given me. It made me realize that this place I am in, this time in my life is preparing me, it's drawing me closer to Christ in a way that I've never known before and it's shaping my character. It's funny how easy it is for your eyes to close to these truths. How easy it is to believe that you are alone. Before I truly became a Christian, I lived a hypocritical life, thinking I was a christian yet ashamed of it as I lived only for myself, caught up in my boyfriend and caring only about the things of this world. I didn't think that you could enjoy life being a 'strict Christian' that there was little freedom in it. But I was so wrong, so stinkin blind. I know now that yes, following Christ is a matter of dying to self as he did. It's a life of struggle, poverty in certain things, turning the other cheek when others offend you, giving the grace every single day at every moment that He gave to you. That's not natural for us, that doesn't sound like freedom. But it's these very things in our life that chain us, that weigh us down. And that in doing this, we are being liberated from them. And though living for Christ is a lot about denying ourselves, we are not denied of his blessings. And I continue to learn all this. Continue to fall and get back up again. Continue to press forward, to trust my savior. I will choose to have joy. He gave me unconditional love, he gave me freedom, he gave me his life...what more do I need to be joyful about? My cup is overflowing.

1. My parents and their support
2. Twin lens
3. For Granddad
4. For Stoneville and country people
5. For a radio that works






I listen to this a lot of mornings now...